Tidal Waves of Emotion
by dreaminginglitter
Summary: After Randall has an anxiety attack (in season 1, Jack Pearson's Son), Rebecca feels the need to comfort her son and let him know he isn't alone. Follow the Pearson family as they each experience their own tidal waves of emotions and support each other.


_Randall Pearson found himself running, and everywhere he turned, there seemed to be a black void of nothingness. His heart was pounding, he was breathing so hard that it hurt, and his body aching so much that he was convinced he was going to burst...but he had to push through it all. There was so much he had to do, and not nearly enough time to do it._

_ In the distance, he saw a figure. As he got closer, the figure became recognizable to him, as did the orange glow behind the figure. No matter how fast Randall ran, it seemed he couldn't get there in time._

_ "Randall!" Jack Pearson called out, his voice weak. "Help me, the house is on fire and I can't get out-" Jack's voice was cut off by the sound of him coughing hard, and he fell to his knees as he clutched his chest. "Son...I love you..." and suddenly, Jack slowly disappeared. _

_ Tears stinging his eyes and blurring his vision now, Randall knew he had to escape whatever this void he was in was, but it felt as though he was trapped. He just felt so damn small in whatever this place was. Up ahead, he saw another figure, and heard the faint sounds of a trumpet playing. As he got closer, he realized he recognized this figure as well. _

_ "Son..." a voice said, barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I'm sorry I was so far gone that I couldn't be a father to you when you needed me. I love you, and you were the best part of me..." _

_ "William!" Randall called out, desperately trying to reach him. "It's okay, we can still get you treatment! Please don't go..." but he was too late, as William stopped moving and Randall just knew that he had lost yet another person important to him. _

_ He needed to save the men that made him who he was. He needed to do several things at work, he needed to go to Kevin's play, he needed to spend time with his girls._

_ He needed-_

He suddenly became aware that he was lying in a bed, figuring he must have fallen asleep. His body felt heavy and his head hurt, and Randall felt weak. Despite the pain, there was a hand in his, and it felt warm and comforting. Finding the strength to open his eyes, he remembered where he was...the hospital. He had an anxiety attack earlier at work, and Kevin had found him. Attempting to blink the sleep away, he noticed who had been holding his hand.

"Hi, baby", came the soft, gentle voice of his mother, Rebecca. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit by a train, honestly," Randall replied, moving to sit up. "but I don't have time to be in the hospital right now, I need to-"

"No, you need to rest. Doctor's orders. They want to keep you overnight." Taking her free hand, Rebecca gently moved her son back down on the bed. Her voice sounded firm, like it used to when he was a kid. Taking a breath, she continued. "Kevin said he found you on the floor at work, crying and struggling to breathe, having an anxiety attack..." She reached out to cup Randall's cheek, using her thumb to brush away the tears she noticed were falling now.

"Yeah," Randall tearfully admitted, feeling ashamed about his feelings. "I messed everything up..."

"Why would you say that? You haven't messed anything up, honey," Rebecca's tone was gentle now. The fact that Randall thought this came as a surprise to Rebecca. She needed to make sure her son was okay. Taking care of William must have been so stressful, she knew, but maybe there was something else going on.

"Because tonight was opening night of Kev's play. If he hadn't come to find me, he still would have been there and everything would have gone as planned. Then I wouldn't be here right now, and I wouldn't have had this dream where no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I couldn't save them, and it's going to come true in real life, and...and..." he said, breaking off with a sob.

Great, now he was full on sobbing in front of his mother. He needed to be strong, he could handle all of this, this was simply a bad night. Tomorrow morning, everything would be okay again, and Randall could continue on with his life.

"Whoa, whoa...slow down. Randall, what are you talking about? Who couldn't you save?" Moving onto the bed next to her son, Rebecca wrapped her arms around him. She felt his head gently come into contact with her shoulder as he became to cry more.

"Dad and William. I was having this dream...well, it was more like a nightmare, I guess, where I was running through this black, endless void. No matter how fast I ran or how long, it just felt like I was trapped. I felt so small in this big, open space...and eventually, I saw Dad with the house on fire behind him. He asked me to help him, and I just couldn't reach him in time. He died before I got to him. Then with William, he kept apologizing for not spending enough time with me and not being around when I needed him, and then...he died, too." Randall took a deep, shuttering breath. Saying all of that out loud just made his feelings more real to him, and he felt a tidal wave of emotions crash over him.

"I'm so sorry," he heard his mother say, feeling the sound of her voice. "That must have been so terrifying to dream about. But you know, Randall, it's not your fault. I know you want to help other people. You're kind, sweet, compassionate...that's just who you are. However, I also know that as much as you may want to, you can't save everyone. I used to have dreams like the one you described, after the fire...I used to wonder if there was something I could have done to help save Jack. If we had just remembered to get the batteries for the smoke detectors, or if I had been in the room with him when he had the heart attack, I could have called out for help."

"You had dreams about Dad after he died?" Lifting his head up, Randall looked into Rebecca's eyes, and she nodded. This was new information to him. While they all went through the same thing, the Pearson's didn't really talk about their feelings in depth. It was almost like they physically couldn't do it, and it manifested in other ways.

"Yes," she confirmed. "All the time. It was one reason among many that I felt like all of the energy I had was simply zapped from me the moment I woke up each morning. As I told you once, I knew it wasn't fair to you kids, since you all were grieving as well, but...I just couldn't help it. I tried to be so strong for you guys, I wanted so badly to believe that I could be, but I just couldn't. I hate to see something similar happen to you, which is why I'm here now."

Randall didn't expect to hear something like that. He thought it was fine, that the anxiety attack he had last night had been an occurrence that happened every once in a while. But he was also so tired from everything he had felt that he wasn't sure what his actual feelings were right now.

Rebecca's voice broke the silence that had been held between the two of them as Randall had been considering what she previously had said to him.

"I think we should talk about these things more often." Rebecca suggests, hoping this would be a good thing. "I don't want you, or Kate, or Kevin to feel like you have to keep these things bottled up. I know you have Beth and Kate has Toby, but I don't think the four of us have done a very good job over the years of talking about our feelings about when your father died. I just don't want you to go down a path similar to what I did. And I know William is your father too, and I promise you that I'm going to do better and be there for you for whatever you need. I love you, Randall," Rebecca said gently, hugging him once more and giving him a smile.

"I love you too, Mom," Randall responded, hugging her back.

Randall knew it would be a long road ahead of him, and he hoped he could get support from his family. Tomorrow, he decided, he would begin talking to his loved ones about the things he felt. Maybe he really wasn't as alone as he thought in his experiences.


End file.
